MURRAYFIELD HOUSING, EDINBURGH BY ARCHIAL FOR RUMNEY MANOR LTD

ARCHIAL, I AM TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO PUBLISH SO MUCH OF YOUR SHIT. I HAVE NO PARTICULAR AGENDA, I DON'T WANT TO HATE YOU ANY MORE THAN ANY OF THE OTHER SHIT ARCHITECTS IN THIS COUNTRY. BUT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE WHEN YOU KEEP SENDING OUT IMAGES LIKE THIS.
THIS IS A HOUSING DEVELOPMENT (DESPITE LOOKING MUCH LIKE A 1980S BUSINESS PARK). IT'S IN A CONSERVATION AREA IN EDINBURGH AND HAS PLANNING PERMISSION.
ARCHIAL'S IDEAS ARE SO PISS WEAK THAT THE DRAWING KIND OF FADES INTO TRANSLUCENCY. THE CAD/SKETCHUP MONKEY WAS PRESUMABLY SIMULATING THE LIMP-WRISTED INABILITY OF ARCHIAL'S DRAFSTMEN TO PUSH DOWN HARD ENOUGH ON THE FUCKING FELT TIP.
THE SITE WAS PREVIOUSLY OCCUPIED BY BALFOUR STEWART HOUSE, A QUITE HANDSOME POMOBRUTALIST RMJM OFFICE BUILDING. THE PERNICIOUS MAX HUTCHINSON, FORMER RIBA PRESIDENT AND BOARD MEMBER OF ARCHIAL, PREPARED THE WAY FOR HIS OWN PRACTICE'S PIECE OF SHIT BY COMING UP WITH A SOPHISTICATEDLY DAMNING ASSESSMENT OF THAT BUILDING. HE CALLED RMJM'S PREVIOUS INCUMBENT AN 'INITIALLY SEDUCTIVE COSMETIC WORK OF ARCHITECTURE, WHICH, SADLY, IS CRITICALLY FLAWED IN EXECUTION'. BY WAY OF A REPLACEMENT, ARCHIAL VOUS PROPOSE A NOT-AT-ALL-SEDUCTIVE WORK OF JERRY BUILDING IN THE DEVELOPER VERNACULAR.
THE DEVELOPMENT ENGAGES WITH THE STREET BY BUILDING A GIANT FUCKING WALL BETWEEN ITSELF AND THE PAVEMENT.
THIS IMAGE BEGGARS BELIEF. REALLY.
THE ONLY THING THAT'S POSSIBLY WORSE, IS THE INITIAL, REJECTED APPLICATION. EVEN A TORY FUCKING COUNCILLOR COULDN'T GIVE THIS PERMISSION:

SKY PLAZA STUDENT HOUSING IN LEEDS BY CAREY JONES ARCHITECTS

This is a recession, which means that land values are lower than they were, which means that student housing developers can afford to get in there and build some shit buildings for young people to live in. Then, the poor students get overcharged for the privilege of having sex and throwing up and setting off smoke alarms in an eyesore.
Unite is the developer of this building, and they're responsible for loads of shite in cities all over the country (this one in Manchester looks like an old people's home, this one in Edinburgh is a shit bit of Scottish contextualism and this one in London like 1980s housing for people likely to harm themselves). Unite is by no means to only developer doing shit buildings for students, and this will not be the last student residence to appear here.
Sky Plaza, above, is in Leeds, and is the tallest student housing IN THE WOOOOOORLD as if that is either here or there. 37 storeys. 103 metres. Look at the pic above: the buildings next door are pretty big. This one's a monster. The proportions are fat and deadening as the lumpen mass of it obnoxiously blots out the sky.
The composition of the facades, or lack of, is, in my experience, what really distinguishes bad architects from good. Bad architects don't so much compose facades, as choose a pattern and use a tiling command to extend it across the whole facade. When they do try to design one, this happens.
Here, Carey Jones opted to make loads of tiny windows march across the facade with a monotonous lack of verve.


When the architects at Carey Jones were students, do you think they dreamed of doing buildings like this?

BLAR MHOR HOUSING IN CAOL, FORT WILLIAM BY ARCHIAL FOR LORNE DEVELOPMENTS

Regular readers will be aware of what I consider to be just about the most prolific bad architect in the UK. Step forward Archial, the conglomerate that will be shitting out something awful in your neighbourhood very soon. I've had reason to think that they read this blog before, but now I know they do. Imagine the scene.
"Lads, we have a 300-home masterplan to do in Scotland, but we're shite at masterplanning. What shall we do?"
"I can't remember where I saw it, but whoever it is who made those great drawings of the Leyland Bus site has got real talent - we should hire him/her."
And they obviously did. This masterplan is much, much worse, though, with an even bigger array of Brookside Close moments, and a truly flagrant disregard for any existing geographical or architectural features of the place. Councils! You can have better than this! Just commission a good architect (there are other websites with some of those on them) rather than an utterly shit one who will transplant an urban and architectural language from out of their arse into your town.
One helpful rule of thumb, from Nairn to you. When someone presents a masterplan with a perimeter of a line of trees, it means they're trying to hide something. Do not trust these people.


And the housing itself? Mush. Just mush.

CARPENTERS PLACE, KNOWLE, BRISTOL BY CIRCLE CONSTRUCTION FOR EMINENCE DEVELOPMENTS

This building is the reason we started this blog. Absolute drivel, posing as contextual housing. The inexplicable symmetry, accentuated by black plastic extracts and downpipes; timber cladding that is varnished so hideously that it no longer looks like wood; 'balconies' that are not balconies (the three bonsai shrubs behind the top balcony in the middle are a heartbreaking expression of what the residents really wanted); regulation beige brick; the mud borders showing how money ran out before the landscaping was finished.
The building replaces a pub called the Venture Inn, which faced this square in West Knowle. Housing developers and local authorities care not a toss for social spaces like pubs and corner shops. They'd rather have flats full of junior management consultants than communities.
The inn's replacement is the architectural equivalent of porridge. Bland, formless, cloying, does nothing more than fill a hole.

HOUSE POD BY ECO-MODS, ANYWHEREVILLE

The picture above is of the bleeding edge of the British construction industry, the technology that will solve the crisis in British housebuilding in terms of environmental sustainability, build quality and aesthetics. Behold, the House Pod.
There was a time when the future looked like the future, and so on and so forth, but now all the future aspires to be is profitable. And that means shite like this. We've seen this before on this blog.
They're weird, though. The roofline on this terrace alternates high gables and dormer windows to try to give the impression that these are triple fronted detached houses, when noone could make that mistake thanks to the oversized porch canopies (with flashings and wheelie bins in syncopated rhythms along the street).
These houses will be substantially built off site in a factory. We've heard this before (almost every six months. The biggest noise I remember is Yorkon and its Murray Grove flats in London. Yorkon seems to have given up on resi now, by the looks of its website), and it hasn't transformed the supply chain yet.
Listen, though, there will be 'no compromise on quality' in this factory-made future, according to the press release, because 'The House Pod is building regulation compliant'. Well, that's a relief! The future of mass-manufactured sustainable housing will keep the rain out. The text also describes how the pod 'can currently meet levels 3, 4 and 5 of the Code for Sustainable Homes.' So you can choose how slowly you want your modular development to kill the planet.
Naked, the House Pod looks like this, which is, to my mind, an improvement, although there are DDA issues with the front door.

ST MARY'S ROAD HOUSING, PECKHAM BY ALAN CAMP ARCHITECTS FOR L&Q

WAIT A MINUTE, NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED FUCKING DESIGNING IT YET. YOU CAN'T JUST SEND OUT AN IMAGE OF A LOAD OF GREY WALLS IN SKETCHUP. OH, IT'S ALREADY GOT PLANNING PERMISSION? OH. OKAY THEN. FUCK IT. JUST PUT SOME TREES ON IT AND SEND IT OUT.

SWALLOW FIELDS HOUSING IN TIPTON, WEST MIDLANDS BY CONCEPT DEVELOPMENT SOLUTIONS

THIS BUILDING IS THE DEVIL, IT IS THE ENEMY, IT IS SO UNREMITTINGLY FUCKING GRIM THAT IT'S HARD TO EVEN LOOK AT THE PICTURE WITHOUT IT DAMAGING YOU.
IT'S A COMBINATION OF BOTCHED CURTAIN WALLING, WINDOWS THAT DON'T FIT THE HOLES THEY'RE IN, ALL TOPPED OFF WITH A HAT THAT LOOKS LIKE AN ARMY SENTRY POST IN WEST BELFAST. JUST NEEDS A BIG FUCKING GUN TURRET ON TOP AND IT WOULD FIT RIGHT IN.
SMALL OBSERVATION - I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN EFFLORESCENCE ON THE MORTAR BETWEEN TERRACOTTA BOLLOCKING TILES.
THIS BUILDING WAS SHORTLISTED FOR A FUCKING AWARD. IT COULD HAVE WALKED AWAY WITH 'BEST RSL-LED LARGE DEVELOPMENT' AT THE AFFORDABLE HOME OWNERSHIP AWARDS. ADMITTEDLY THAT IS NOT A PARTICULARLY COMPETITIVE CONTEXT, BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. THE REF MUST HAVE BEEN BLIND.
APPARENTLY 'THE CONCEPT DEVELOPMENT SOLUTIONS TEAM IS RECOGNISED THROUGHOUT THE MIDLANDS FOR ITS EXPERTISE AND INNOVATION.' EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING MIDLANDS SHOULD GET OUT MORE.

LEYLAND BUS REDEVELOPMENT, LEYLAND BY STEVEN ABBOTT ASSOCIATES AND TAYLOR YOUNG

Urban design in Britain must be about the worst in the civilised world. This masterplan shows why, with a variety of autumnal shades used to demonstrate how little clue we have about making real streets, real neighbourhoods or real connections with the fabric of the city. Look at the perimeter, to start with. The site is almost entirely removed from any engagement with its context by lines of trees. Look at the shared surfaces at the road junctions - a shitty brown colour picks out the spaces that no kids will play on (still too dangerous) but that will cause maximum annoyance to motorists. Look at the sub-Brookside close in the bottom left. This is town planning done at the developer's behest, with no regard to what makes a town work. There's no real public space, just the semi-private kind masquerading. Look at the small blue spots - these denote what the architect refers to as 'garden squares'. They look more like car parks to me. Urban planning in this country has assimilated the propaganda about placemaking from bodies like CABE, and carried on doing the same old crap the housebuilders always wanted from its pathetically pliant consultants. Here are some of the houses:

Oceans of indeterminate watercoloured green space and some sketchy housing helpfully obscured by the trees. A party wall (to the left) left white because they don't know what to fucking do with it. That's a problem that English architecture has had for 300 years, and the designers of this scheme don't even try to dignify the problem.

So, why are these houses so awful? Roger Lomas of Taylor Young can enlighten us: "The objective of the proposals was to create homes not houses, places not spaces and a community rather than an estate." I wonder how they're measuring such scientific metrics?

Urban designers in this country talk crap all the time, government-approved crap that reassures planners while pulling the wool over their eyes time and again.
The elevations? You'll be sorry you asked...

CAPITAL EAST II IN DOCKLANDS BY RMA ARCHITECTS FOR BARRATT AND CIRCLE ANGLIA

Eurgh. This one's just horrible, isn't it? This is executive mass housing done on the cheap, tarted up with a 'landmark tower' (say the architects) to try to suit its dockfront location. But they forgot that the gunmetal sky you see here is pretty typical of east London, and all hopes of transparency in glazed facades founder under its relentlessness. It's just grey.
One point on scale. Although Docklands is a high-rise environment, that doesn't mean you can just take a four-storey design for an apartment building in Slough off the shelf and stretch it a few storeys. And the trend for little hats on buildings is now so ingrained that we almost don't notice it, but isn't it strange? Clumsily set back upper storeys will be a kind of defining legacy of 1990s architecture in this coutry.
Sometimes, Docklands can feel really impressive in a 1990s corporate video kind of way, but there's always a cheap piece of crap around the corner that destroys the effect. That piece of crap will usually either be by CZWG or by this lot, RMA Architects. RMA has built a load of terrible buildings in and around Docklands. In this case they took an existing planning permission by Squire & Partners (not the world's most gifted lot themselves) and made it cheaper until it was really horrible to look at. Then they built it.

HOUSING IN FARNWORTH, BOLTON BY CONTOUR HOMES

There are some projects designed to give people as little as possible to talk about. And, sure enough, as you try to think of something to say about the above proposal, you descend into existential crisis, nothingness becomes tangible, and the gaping vacuum of your mind swallows any design criticism instinct you (and the planners) ever had.
This is inoffensive architecture at its most offensive. Most telling to me is how the image puts lots and lots of detail into rendering the blue Renault Megane, a bit less into rendering the houses, and none at all into the people (or the dog).
Look out for more of this rubbish, as our glorious housing industry and planning inspectorate revert to what they know in the face of economic disaster.

RENEWABLE HOUSE BY ARCHIAL FOR EMPYER HOMES

Not only is the above house 'modular' and 'energy efficient', it is also 'fucking ugly'. The first two quotes are from the press release, the third is from me.
Things I hate about this building include the downpipe, the completely blank flank wall, the tiny windows on the ground floor, and how the visualisation makes it clear just how horrible the sustainable Hemcrete render will really look if it ever gets built.
Archial's reaction to the credit crunch is cynical. Noone's buying any housing, so let's go back to what housebuilders do best, detached houses, tiny windows, fucking ugly, a few modern gob-ons but mostly redolent of some kind of tiny, bastardised, 1980s version of a farmhouse.
Also, on a lighter note, it seems that people who design ugly buildings have found a new button in photoshop - lens flare. I'll be posting more lens flare pictures by bad architects very soon.

PERSPECTIVE HOUSING, LAMBETH, LONDON BY ASSAEL

Debt-loaded housing developer Crest Nicholson is not known for its patronage of great contemporary architecture. This is well documented online. But this brute is as bad as it gets. The architect, Assael, is frequently included in the Sunday Times' list of best employers in the country, but I'd need more than a softball team and a decent pension to tolerate working on a project like this. Maybe they give out free crack to their employees at lunchtime.

The project is a conversion of an office building formerly occupied by MI6. So far, so sustainable. But what Assael was thinking when it dressed it up for the 21st century, god only knows. Firstly, they created a ham-fistedly 'iconic' entrance, presumably to give the modernist building some presence on the street. The white-painted tree-like columns are horribly twiggy and supports a roof (presumably modelled on the Nike tick) that is horribly, clunkily thick.

But it's the tower that's really bad. You can see what they were thinking. Clad the bottom five storeys in terracotta so it 'relates to the cityscape', and then do whatever the fuck you like above that. The top of the tower is just hilarious. It reminds me of Taipei 101, but without the elegance.

This conversion is award winning, believe it or not. It is a truism that if you can be arsed to enter, you can win an award for anything in this self-congratulatory architectural culture.

RAM BREWERY HOUSING, WANDSWORTH, LONDON BY EPR

It is one of the great scandals of the early 21st century in London that we have allowed so much of this kind of crap to go up all over the place. It's quite difficult for the untrained observer to understand why this happens. After all, anyone can see that this proposal is an utter dog.
But somehow, if you mix in enough different materials, put some panels of timber in random places on the facade, give it an active ground floor (that will in fact remain unoccupied for ages), and then stick a funny hat on the high bits (as if this made the towers somehow less offensively engorged) you can rely on planners to become snowblind, and wave it on through.
This works best if you are one of the following architects: HTA, Stock Woolstonecroft, EPR, PRP or Levitt Bernstein.
I am hoping to god that this project, for 829 flats, has become comprehensively credit crunched, to save the inhabitants of Buckhold Road from EPR's deadly 'urban square' and its appalling "landmark" towers.
Note to EPR. A building doesn't count as a landmark just because it is loads fucking bigger than anything around it.