VISION@SEABRAES, DUNDEE BY KEPPIE DESIGN

This project is actually a conversion of an old jute factory in Dundee into part of a digital media park. Park, in this context, presumably referring to the car park.

I mention that it's a conversion so you understand that Keppie probably had many limits on what they could do, constraints that held them back from really fulfilling their ambitions for the project. The biggest constraint of all is their COMPLETE LACK OF ABILITY TO DRAW A SHAPE THAT ANYONE MIGHT LIKE.

Here's a closeup of the facade:

It's tricky to know exactly what they were going for with the big viridian panels (solar cells, I think) with their slopey, 1970s-album-cover forms and the equally bizarre lozenge shaped windows. I think they're going for a, you know, dynamic, media, digital, new media kind of thing, which, to Keppie, means some sloping bits.

It's just fucking undignified. Like a middle-aged person trying to rap.

I think what finally does it is the combination of these pretentious, silly, cack-handed green gob-ons with totally standard glazing systems and the off-the-peg green glass canopy above the door, plus the business park standard parquet brick pathway (very new media) with spindly trees. Gesamtkunstwerk, this is not.

Keppie's view on the subject is hilarious. On their website, they say: "Exernally, the playful elevational treatment is in tune with the world of computer games." Maybe, if you haven't played a computer game since 1979. In fact, there is no computer game in the world today that has as low design values as this building, and certainly not a single one that uses a more horrible typeface than the inept 'Vision' sign above the door.

Vision@Seabraes was designed by a bald man who is 'an ex-shinty player and drives a Skoda.' [Note: they've changed their website and this quote is no longer there - but it's true... GoN]

Dundee has loads of shit new architecture in it, which I'm indebted to a correspondent for bringing to my attention - I'll get to more of it...

MURRAYFIELD HOUSING, EDINBURGH BY ARCHIAL FOR RUMNEY MANOR LTD

ARCHIAL, I AM TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO PUBLISH SO MUCH OF YOUR SHIT. I HAVE NO PARTICULAR AGENDA, I DON'T WANT TO HATE YOU ANY MORE THAN ANY OF THE OTHER SHIT ARCHITECTS IN THIS COUNTRY. BUT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE WHEN YOU KEEP SENDING OUT IMAGES LIKE THIS.
THIS IS A HOUSING DEVELOPMENT (DESPITE LOOKING MUCH LIKE A 1980S BUSINESS PARK). IT'S IN A CONSERVATION AREA IN EDINBURGH AND HAS PLANNING PERMISSION.
ARCHIAL'S IDEAS ARE SO PISS WEAK THAT THE DRAWING KIND OF FADES INTO TRANSLUCENCY. THE CAD/SKETCHUP MONKEY WAS PRESUMABLY SIMULATING THE LIMP-WRISTED INABILITY OF ARCHIAL'S DRAFSTMEN TO PUSH DOWN HARD ENOUGH ON THE FUCKING FELT TIP.
THE SITE WAS PREVIOUSLY OCCUPIED BY BALFOUR STEWART HOUSE, A QUITE HANDSOME POMOBRUTALIST RMJM OFFICE BUILDING. THE PERNICIOUS MAX HUTCHINSON, FORMER RIBA PRESIDENT AND BOARD MEMBER OF ARCHIAL, PREPARED THE WAY FOR HIS OWN PRACTICE'S PIECE OF SHIT BY COMING UP WITH A SOPHISTICATEDLY DAMNING ASSESSMENT OF THAT BUILDING. HE CALLED RMJM'S PREVIOUS INCUMBENT AN 'INITIALLY SEDUCTIVE COSMETIC WORK OF ARCHITECTURE, WHICH, SADLY, IS CRITICALLY FLAWED IN EXECUTION'. BY WAY OF A REPLACEMENT, ARCHIAL VOUS PROPOSE A NOT-AT-ALL-SEDUCTIVE WORK OF JERRY BUILDING IN THE DEVELOPER VERNACULAR.
THE DEVELOPMENT ENGAGES WITH THE STREET BY BUILDING A GIANT FUCKING WALL BETWEEN ITSELF AND THE PAVEMENT.
THIS IMAGE BEGGARS BELIEF. REALLY.
THE ONLY THING THAT'S POSSIBLY WORSE, IS THE INITIAL, REJECTED APPLICATION. EVEN A TORY FUCKING COUNCILLOR COULDN'T GIVE THIS PERMISSION:

BURNS MONUMENT CENTRE, KAY PARK IN KILMARNOCK BY EAST AYRSHIRE ASSET IMPROVEMENT SERVICE

Wow. This is one of those projects that the local authority architect thought: "I can do this. This is my big chance. Those fancy-dan architects from Glasgow/London will finally recognise the genius of us Ayrshire natives." So the local authority didn't have a competition, didn't take any advice and went with its own, terribly untalented architecture office. The result is this embarassing lump of sandstone, stranglingly enclosing what remains of a listed monument.
The Robert Burns monument used to be a charming and slightly mad folly of a tower, which burned down in 2006. It was in sandstone, with a mad mixture of Scots baronial, neo-gothic and baroque providing a suitably romantic/absurd setting for the Scottish bard's memory. For its replacement, the designers went with slopey-roofed shit-bikeshed style, with a liberal dash of Kalzip and a touch of Hackney Marshes changing rooms (the old ones).

Really loving the powder blue window frames, guys.
Many thanks to 'anon' for this one.

NATIONAL CURLING ACADEMY IN KINROSS, BY ARCHIAL ARCHITECTS

You might have to click on this one to see it properly, but it is a quite remarkable drawing of possibly the ugliest sports hall you'll ever see. What's really, really bad about Archial is that they can't just accept they're rubbish. They feel a pressing need to 'do design', making funky (as in 'offensively malodorous') windows as in the right-hand side of the north elevation, and bizarre supergraphics.
The supergraphic totally confused me to begin with, until I realised it's a cack-handed version of an Otl Aicher pictogram. It's someone curling, of course. Although it looks at best like an Edwardian rugby player, and at worst someone readying themselves for a painful shafting.
OK, a little competition with this post. Can you make head or tail of Archial director Charles Smith?
From the press release: Charles Smith, director at Archial Architects, said, “The general design features of the building reflect the intentions for a world class facility. The elevational treatment of the building is suitably distinctive and will enhance the site’s sense of identity and linkages to the adjacent rural character, using natural, sustainable materials such as timber cladding within the scheme, which creates a horizontal emphasis to the building."
Hm, OK. I'm not sure I know exactly what you mean.
“The use of different materials externally relates directly to the internal composition, therefore linking the internal space arrangements with the external appearance which, in turn, relates to the site and its origins."
Sorry, Charles, you've lost me there.
“Whilst the development is to become an integral part of one of Kinross-shire’s main settlements, the palette chosen specifically reflects the rural setting, enhancing the natural materials and complementing the landscaped setting.”
Yep. Absolutely no idea what you're getting at. Good luck with the planning application, though. The committee should be like a Beckett play if he carries on like that. Might be worth sitting in...

BLAR MHOR HOUSING IN CAOL, FORT WILLIAM BY ARCHIAL FOR LORNE DEVELOPMENTS

Regular readers will be aware of what I consider to be just about the most prolific bad architect in the UK. Step forward Archial, the conglomerate that will be shitting out something awful in your neighbourhood very soon. I've had reason to think that they read this blog before, but now I know they do. Imagine the scene.
"Lads, we have a 300-home masterplan to do in Scotland, but we're shite at masterplanning. What shall we do?"
"I can't remember where I saw it, but whoever it is who made those great drawings of the Leyland Bus site has got real talent - we should hire him/her."
And they obviously did. This masterplan is much, much worse, though, with an even bigger array of Brookside Close moments, and a truly flagrant disregard for any existing geographical or architectural features of the place. Councils! You can have better than this! Just commission a good architect (there are other websites with some of those on them) rather than an utterly shit one who will transplant an urban and architectural language from out of their arse into your town.
One helpful rule of thumb, from Nairn to you. When someone presents a masterplan with a perimeter of a line of trees, it means they're trying to hide something. Do not trust these people.


And the housing itself? Mush. Just mush.

SOUTH LANARKSHIRE COLLEGE CAMPUS IN EAST KILBRIDE, BY ARCHIAL

LOOK AT THIS FUCKER. IT WOULD BE SCARY IF IT WEREN'T SO UTTERLY, UTTERLY, HOPELESSLY BANAL.
GRAHAM MONTGOMERY, DIRECTOR OF ARCHIAL, GAVE THIS QUOTE, DESPITE APPARENTLY NEVER HAVING SEEN THIS MONSTROSITY. "Dramatic arrival is created as you approach the large volume of the hub – without being overwhelming – as the area between the vertical ‘fins’ is fully glazed, allowing you to see the activity inside," HE SAYS.
IF THIS ISN'T OVERWHELMING, I'D LIKE TO SEE SOMETHING THAT WAS. OH, WAIT. HERE'S ONE.