THE BLADE BUILDING, READING BY SHEPPARD ROBSON

Oh god, it's an icon! Just when you thought it was safe to reenter architecture on the grounds that noone can afford iconic office buildings any more, the Blade arrives. They couldn't afford to do an iconic building either, so they just used some left over cladding panels to give the building a ridiculous Hoxton fin haircut.

I think the Blade theme might be a reference to Reading's claim to fame as the stabbing capital of the UK.

I've only seen this from the train, admittedly, so I might be missing something about the subtle relationship the building has with the public realm. But I doubt it.

Here's the back:

I hate it when towns get shat on by a terrible commercial architect from London selling some inane, poncey form and calling it design. This is not architecture, it's bad branding crossed with floorplate.

VISION@SEABRAES, DUNDEE BY KEPPIE DESIGN

This project is actually a conversion of an old jute factory in Dundee into part of a digital media park. Park, in this context, presumably referring to the car park.

I mention that it's a conversion so you understand that Keppie probably had many limits on what they could do, constraints that held them back from really fulfilling their ambitions for the project. The biggest constraint of all is their COMPLETE LACK OF ABILITY TO DRAW A SHAPE THAT ANYONE MIGHT LIKE.

Here's a closeup of the facade:

It's tricky to know exactly what they were going for with the big viridian panels (solar cells, I think) with their slopey, 1970s-album-cover forms and the equally bizarre lozenge shaped windows. I think they're going for a, you know, dynamic, media, digital, new media kind of thing, which, to Keppie, means some sloping bits.

It's just fucking undignified. Like a middle-aged person trying to rap.

I think what finally does it is the combination of these pretentious, silly, cack-handed green gob-ons with totally standard glazing systems and the off-the-peg green glass canopy above the door, plus the business park standard parquet brick pathway (very new media) with spindly trees. Gesamtkunstwerk, this is not.

Keppie's view on the subject is hilarious. On their website, they say: "Exernally, the playful elevational treatment is in tune with the world of computer games." Maybe, if you haven't played a computer game since 1979. In fact, there is no computer game in the world today that has as low design values as this building, and certainly not a single one that uses a more horrible typeface than the inept 'Vision' sign above the door.

Vision@Seabraes was designed by a bald man who is 'an ex-shinty player and drives a Skoda.' [Note: they've changed their website and this quote is no longer there - but it's true... GoN]

Dundee has loads of shit new architecture in it, which I'm indebted to a correspondent for bringing to my attention - I'll get to more of it...

PHOENIX PLACE, BASILDON, ESSEX BY DOVETAIL ARCHITECTS

It's quite an amazing feat to make a building that has so complete a lack of texture that it looks like the windows are drawn on to the facades. This is curtain walling at its most bland, taking the building beyond bad into the realms of the hyper-real.
Dovetail (?!) Architects seem to be bad at bits of buildings that need to stick out, so they do as few as possible.
The ones they do do are great. I'm really digging the 'giant eyebrow' motif at the top of the entrance tower, together with the robotic quiff of the roof itself. And, in particular, the tiny little entrance canopy, which gets its own gutter and two (count 'em) downpipes. Do it's a bit like a classical portico. With a bit of sheet steel and some downpipes.
Go Basildon!

BSKYB HEADQUARTERS, OSTERLEY, LONDON BY ARUP ASSOCIATES FOR STANHOPE

Oh, this one's shaping up really nicely, isn't it?
Surprisingly, the cranes in this picture are actually not demolishing this giant slab of greeny-blue glazing, they're building it, putting the finishing touches to a building that will contribute as much character and joy to the city as it will carbon to the atmosphere - almost none.
Arup Associates say that this will be one of the most sustainable broadcasting facilities in Europe (I wonder how much competition there is for that title?), and that 'the architecture of the building dramatically expresses the integrated and world-leading sustainable technology'. Those big white things that look like lift cores are actually natural ventilation chimneys. Why couldn't they make the architecture of the building 'dramatically express' something that actually means something to someone, rather than cladding some big chimneys in white steel to make us aware of how much Mr Murdoch loves polar bears?
Lovely work boys, an absolute picture. Hey, Stanhope! Just because it's sustainable, doesn't mean we can't see it's a piece of shit.

GREATER MANCHESTER POLICE AUTHORITY HQ, CENTRAL PARK, EAST MANCHESTER BY AEDAS

Oh Aedas, you make really bad architecture quite a lot of the time. Here is a quite monumentally ordinary building for the police on a business park in Manchester. What I like about it most is how it marks the corner entrance with a full-height void, a big glass atrium and one spindly column sticking up. And what does this sculptural corner, wherein all the architecture of this building is contained, face? A roundabout.
They could have at least make it convenient for the cops, who, arriving by car and parking presumably at the back of this building, will have to walk all the way around it to get inside. People driving by won't care anyway. They'll be too busy crashing after belly laughing at the pathetic piece of public art that occupies the centre of this roundabout. I wonder if Aedas designed that, too?

EXCHANGE PLACE, FOUNTAINBRIDGE OFFICES IN EDINBURGH BY CRE8 ARCHITECTURE

With many thanks to one keen-to-be-anonymous reader, I bring you this commercial development by an architecture practice with a truly embarassing name. Who 's have thought that the word/number hybrid Cre8 (are there 8 of them?) would find its way into architecture? According to Google, Cre8 has already been used by a 'concept design and marketing' company, a photography agency and an organisation that 'exists to provide kids and teenagers with an opportunity to develop creative arts skills in a Christian environment'. Even so, these guys felt that there was still mileage in the brand.
As for the building, it's a combination of corporate cityscape style (see most of central Leeds) with a smoked glass 'feature'. The corner's a great lesson to us all. When you really can't decide to do a curve or a sharp corner, do both!
My correspondent on this one coined a beautiful phrase to describe the checkerboard facade treatment and gives an eye witness' detailed critique: "If you notice on the second image, those bizarre vertical bits of fridge magnet cladding are a different finish to the other cladding elsewhere on the building. Otherwise, it looks like sketchup. Exactly like sketchup." I couldn't have put it better myself.

OFFICE BUILDING, 141 BOTHWELL STREET, GLASGOW BY ARCHIAL

Architectural conglomerate and serial defacer of British cities Archial has recently rebranded, but it hasn't stopped them building nonsense like this wherever they find an opportunity. Any picture of a new building that is taken with the camera pointing upwards (to convey the thrusting dynamism of the architecture) is not to be trusted.
I haven't seen this building in reality, but I hope this is it's bad side. The ashlar stonework (a solid material) walls are expressed as planes (amplifying their thinness and lack of structural intent) in a completely unintentional paradox that would drive Archial's best out of their tiny minds if they could only get their heads around it. I can't be arsed to tell you any more about why this is so bad.
Luckily, though, Cameron Walker, director at Archial Architects, can explain the architectural intent of this monstrosity for our edification. “Designed to allow flexibility and sub-division of floor plates, the development was aimed at occupiers requiring 10,000 sq ft upwards, all benefiting from the impressive double height reception area, five high speed passenger lifts and 18 metre column free spans."